Here Today, Gone Today

It's been over a month since we've seen either of the boys. Too long for this Mom. So on Wednesday I asked Mr. Man if he felt like a roadtrip to Cinci on Saturday to visit #2. We both agreed that it was just what we needed, & thinking about it helped the week go by a lot faster. Since #2 is in art school, visits always depend on how much work he has to do over the weekend. This doesn't bother me because #2 has not always been one to plan ahead, so his long term planning actually gives me a small thrill! I texted him on Thurs to run our plan by him & he said that he was actually going to surprise us with a visit home this weekend. It is his GF's birthday & they were coming home to celebrate with her family. Even better! We would get to see him for longer than an afternoon visit in Cinci! That was a good thing because Friday I ended up being so sick that I couldn't get out of the bed. Today is a little better, but 4 hours in the car while sniffling & sneezing would not be fun, especially for poor Mr. Man. #2 & GF were supposed to arrive around noon on Sat & they were right on time. It was so good to hug my long haired, artist boy, with the heart of gold and his GF, who we adore! We caught up on all things college-classes, roommates, changes in the school administration & future outlook, as well as the apartment search for next year. I really could've just sat there & stared at him. A million memories flashed through my head. How could this be my little boy who used to carry around a candy fundraising box as his briefcase, filled with a drawing pad & assorted colored pencils & markers? Now he talks about his aesthetic as an artist and how stoked he is about his summer internship. When did he stop being my little boy and become this poised, interesting, young MAN?!

I have come to the realization that he will probably never "live" at home again, that he will just come for brief "visits" when he has "time." I am thrilled and heartbroken at the same time. We want him to be independent and motivated to have a career, and he is! But couldn't he "need" us just a little bit? Every once in awhile he will ask my advice & my heart just about bursts. I feel like that's what I was made to do...nurture my boys, & it is hard to not be able to do that on a daily basis. I know, I know....the nurturing I did for the past 20 years has turned them into the wonderful, young men they are today. It's just that I've got more nurturing in me. Friends tell me that that is why grandchildren are so wonderful. I guess I'll have to wait & save it all up until then.

So back to today. #2 said that they'd have to leave soon because the GF's family dinner had to be early because her parents had plans for the evening, & that he and GF would be babysitting for her nephew during the evening. I love to hear #2 talk about the nephew, how "he is the coolest kid I've ever met. I love that guy!" But then it hit me. He is leaving now & he won't be back. We had less than 2 hours with him. That is not fair! GF has to be back to work in Cinci at 10AM tomorrow, so they will have to leave early, so he'll just sleep on the couch at GF's parents' house so they can get an early start. I want to cry & yell like a spoiled toddler having a tantrum, "Noooooo, he's mine!" But I guess that's it, he's not just ours anymore-he has a girlfriend, a life away from us. So I stood in the window, hugging Mr. Man, holding back the tears, waving goodbye to my baby as he drove away.

Figuring Things Out

Ok, remember that I am just learning about all this "blog stuff." I know.....that's a very technical term that only bloggers can use! Anyway, I just figured out how to add a video, so please scroll down a bit & read Amazing, Not Average before you watch the Brandon Heath video. If you watch the video first you really won't get it & I really want you to get it! Thanks for bearing with me!

Brandon Heath - Give Me Your Eyes

Amazing, Not Average

This past week has been a little stressful; things to do almost every night & no time to do those "have to" things like dishes & laundry. That reminds me of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People training I did awhile back-there was a square divided into 4 quadrants: Important/Not Important & Urgent/Not Urgent. I'm afraid if I listed my activities many of them would fall into Urgent/Not Important. Yuck, that doesn't make me feel good at all! How can I change this? It's not just about being busy doing "things." Right now I feel that I am "too busy." Too busy to have the energy that I need to do things the way that I want to do them. I thought that when we became Empty Nesters we'd have all kinds of time on our hands. Wrong! I think I've over-committed. I've been thinking about giving up one activity & I have really been struggling with it. God & I have been talking about it. I don't think that my heart is really in it like it should be, but I keep hearing the little "pleaser" voice in my head saying, "But if you don't do it, who will?" Whoa! It just hit me that I should trust God to take care of that! He led me there for the time I was needed & if I stay when I my hearts not in it, then maybe I am taking a spot that is really meant for someone else. Huh, that never occurred to me before. Thank you blog followers for helping me figure that one out! It seems crystal clear now! By backing away from the activity I was uncertain about, I can devote more time/energy to the cause I feel more passionate about. I feel like a 25 pound weight has been lifted from my shoulders!

Over the past couple of weeks I have met some remarkable children & the families who love them. My heart has been heavy for grandparents who find themselves raising their grandchildren, many of whom have significant medical & emotional needs. These grandparents are my heroes! They have given up their lives for their grandkids. I'm sure this wasn't on the grandparents "to do" list, but they are doing it, & doing it so well! God bless them & give them strength to keep going. Lord, ease their worry about what the future holds for their grandkids & bring just the right people into their lives to help them navigate this unknown, choppy sea. Amazing people!

I have also felt my heart breaking for teens struggling with addictions. I saw an 18 year old boy several weeks ago who I had known when he was just a young boy. He shared that he had just gotten out of rehab & wanted to "do better & graduate." I heard myself offering to help him with school work any time that he needed it. At first I thought, "Lisa, you've made that offer to other kids & none of them have ever taken you up on it. This is going to be the same thing." Later that evening I gave the boy my phone number & told him to text me when he needed help. He said, "Do you mean just on Tuesdays?" My heart jumped in my chest! He was actually thinking about it!! I heard myself blurt out, "NO! any night, I can help you any night. We'll make it work. Just text me." I was so happy & excited. I prayed for him each day. I waited for the text asking for help. A week passed & I was anxious to see him again at the weekly gathering. I looked & looked, but couldn't find him. Finally I saw his sister. "Great," I thought, "he'll be here too!" She walked up to me and said, "My brother is back in rehab. He failed a drug test & instead of sending him to jail, they sent him back to rehab." I was crushed, but then I realized how much better off he would be in rehab rather than jail. He must be so lonely. I can't even imagine.The family is allowed to visit on the weekends, but I am not sure how often they are able to go. I sat down & wrote him a letter. I had never written a letter like this before. I sat there thinking, "What if this were my son? What would he need to hear?" I just let the words flow. I was so excited to give the letter to his sister the following week, but sadly she has not been back. I feel as if I should DO something, but I don't know what that is. I have asked friends to pray for him & if you feel led, you could pray for him too. God & I are still talking about this one. Good thing I've got a direct line to the Big Man!

So now maybe you can see where the title of this post was leading. I don't want to be just "average," I want to be AMAZING, but I don't know how. What am I supposed to do? Where am I needed? What do I have to offer? I want to make a difference. I'm listening Lord.

Oh my gosh! As I was re-reading this entry before I posted it a song came on Pandora called Give Me Your Eyes by Brandon Heath. God is talking to me right now, I can feel it! Please listen to this song! Pretty amazing!